With a name like ‘The Williamsburg Ruins,’ one expects a certain level of detriment so, imagine my surprise, when I arrive at the foot of a towering stone cabin, instead. I heave my pack to the ground and wait for the map to update on my phone. Just one bar out here- the real outdoors. A bird cries overhead and something moves about in a bush. My pack leans toward the cabin, slowly tips over, slowly expels my water bottle from the side pocket.

It’s been a longer day, but a nice one. Cold when I started walking but just right for a hike. The trouble is that ‘The Williamsburg Ruins’ are normally only a mile or so from the road but last year’s ice melt wiped out a bridge that nobody is in a hurry to replace and now the walk is nearer to five miles. That’s five miles if, like me, you attempt to do it in a straight line. Walking the road is closer to ten.

But it worked out, for once. The way was easy and, even though I probably packed too much for what amounted to a day hike, I feel healthy. A little shoulder strain. A decent amount of sweat. I…

Why the fuck was my bag so heavy?

‘Read this again.

There’s a reasonable chance something strange has happened just now. Are you looking at the ruins of an old stone cabin? If yes: no need to panic. There is a map of this area in the appendices. Pick up a brick and take it with you when you go. Are you looking at a relatively intact stone cabin? If yes: no need to panic immediately. Have you, consciously or unconsciously carried bricks along with you? If yes: allow a minor amount of panic to fuel the next few actions you take. You are in danger. Take the bricks and leave. ‘The Williamsburg Ruins’ should not be allowed to reform.’

-traveler

A very particular type of candy arrived on the shelves of the local convenience store in the late nineties- a thick, sour sludge that could be purchased in mock test tubes and featured a gummy worm at the center. I was young, then, and the candy’s debut coincided with the release of a video game in which the protagonist chugs vials of green liquid to replenish his health. Though it’s hard to believe now, in an era of snack/game collaborations, I don’t believe the coincidence was planned. I think it was sheer luck that the two companies inspired the manic consumption of their products in a single mid-western child- a pleasant blip of demand that neither would ever fully understand.

The game has faded into obscurity but the candy has disappeared entirely. There are no pictures on the internet, no archived advertisements or retro-reviews. Nobody I speak to remembers it or, if they do, they remember it only vaguely and only in conjunction with myself as though the candy only existed in relation to me and my life. The candy was, seemingly, a failure. I have no doubt that my memory of the substance must be wildly out of sync with reality, colored as it is by time.

But I crave it.

I don’t think of it often, but when I do, there’s nothing I want more.

‘The universe resists perpetuality of any sort, skimming just enough energy off the top to maintain entropy. A wire will heat up and glow. A shaft will wear against the pump. A carefully-organized series of molecules will burst into atoms and re-form into something useless. Or dangerous.

In the process of stealing our energy, though, the universe is happy to leave us with the ‘detritus,’ be it the ashes of a fire, the congealed lubricant of the machine, or, in regards to the great American cycle of consumption, the items that sift through the filter of second-hand retail and into ‘The Nostalgia Vault.’ There, you will find what deserves forgetting.’

If the contents of a landfill were to be transported into a discontinued stretch of sewer and maintained such that a walkable path existed there, it would look exactly like ‘The Nostalgia Vault.’ Its entrance can be found in Southern California but the ‘Vault’ feels very much like a realm of its own. Having paid a small entry fee I was more or less given free reign to explore, the only rule being that items cannot be removed from what is optimistically called ‘the collection.’ Rearranging is fair play so, not unlike the French catacombs, several rooms in ‘The Nostalgia Vault’ now house morbid displays.

Several yards back, for instance, was a claustrophobic space filled entirely with common pieces of popular collectible card games- your basic lands, energies, and failed sports stars. Someone has created an intricate tiling pattern there and, even more impressive, glued thick stacks of the cards into two chairs and a table. Atop the table is a checker board, populated by pogs. Another room consists entirely of off-brand beanie babies, organized by color and staring straight ahead, their beady eyes reflecting rodent-like in the beam of my flashlight.

There are miles of garbage for every carefully curated room, however, and I find my patience with the experience shorter than I initially expected as someone who traditionally enjoys poking about pawn shops and thrift stores. ‘The Nostalgia Vault’ is honest in advertising itself as a collection of the millennium’s c-list items and even if I were to stumble upon a one-man’s-trash situation, nothing here is for sale. There is no point and, as if often the case, I wonder if that’s ‘The Nostalgia Vault’s’ intention after all.

Imagine, then, the sickening delight I feel upon entering a room full of old, garbage candy and spying, in the corner, a vial of green cornstarch. I hesitate before opening it, both because I see that the gummy worm is well on its way to dissolving inside and because I will be violating the sanctity of the place, lessening it for the next visitor who may fondly remember the same disgusting candy. The hesitation passes quickly, though.

This isn’t a museum.

This isn’t a goddamn national park.

I crack the seal on the vial and hold it to my mouth, savoring the smell in the time it takes for the thick candy to reach me.

When it does, I feel better than I have for a long, long time.

-traveler

‘The life cycle of an urban legend is not so different than that of a star. Its birth is something complex enough to be described as chaos and, though we don’t currently have the wherewithal to suss the places where seemingly nothing might become obviously something, it’s easy enough to understand why both occurred after the fact. A star, like an urban legend, will be a light in humanity’s subconscious for a time and when it dies it won’t really die. An urban legend, like a star, will go dark; the branches of the story collapsing into the dense mass of something complete and unquestionable. Take ‘Resurrection Mary’ who, in her prime, was not confined to Chicago but hitchhiked all over the country. Take ‘Bigfoot,’ who has been seen in many climates and many coats. We remember their variation, but they have widely retired to familiar forms and new reports of either are inevitably dismissed as having been inspired by the core (for even dead stars whisper).

‘The Tommy Knocker of Sweet Homes’ is recent proof that urban legends evolve to their environment but are born the same regardless. A tommy knocker is traditionally a type of ghost confined to old mines and identified by the sound of their tools ‘knocking’ on cavern walls (what skeptics suggest is simply the echo of dripping water). When seventies mining technology became too noisy, tommy knockers mostly retired to suburbs to occasionally clatter about in pipes and radiators and eventually faded into relative obscurity.

The thing inside ‘The Sweet Homes Water Tower’ was not made privy to this change.

Sweet Homes, Ohio is technically a suburb- a gated community lacking any form of governance outside of a militaristic homeowner’s association and a paranoid neighborhood watch. ‘The Sweet Homes Water Tower’ is technically the oldest structure there, pre-dating the first house by four months or so- a timetable that isn’t exactly conducive to a traditional haunting but with which ‘The Tommy Knocker’ seems to make do for, starting just one year into the development’s occupation, ‘The Sweet Homes Water Tower’ began to ring.

The phenomenon can be traced back to July 2014 when Benjamin ‘Benny’ Smythe reported ‘a sound like a gong’ to the neighborhood watch. The noise, which Benny described as ‘something new-agey,’ would wake him up at ‘an ungodly hour’ and therefore was likely to be ‘ungodly.’ By the time Benny was able to record the ringing, others began to speak up and the sound began to occur sporadically, day and night. Due to the ringing’s unlikely origin, it wasn’t until three plucky teens were physically shaken off the tower one crisp autumn morning that the source was revealed. The sole survivor of the incident became the unlikely catalyst for a new legend, claiming to have heard something crawling inside tank before the fatal toll.

‘The Sweet Homes Water Tower’ was drained, inspected, and re-filled, but the ‘Tommy Knocker’ remained- no subsequent attempt has been rid of it. A second tower was eventually built, directly opposite the first and they stand on the edge of town like feuding roommates. ‘The Sweet Homes Tommy Knocker’ still chimes at least twice a day, at sunrise and sunset, prompting most to write the haunting off as temperature fluctuations in the metal. This theory fails to explain why the second tower is silent and why the first remains filled with water. It fails to explain why the first tower is allowed to remain standing at all (the HOA deflects questions like these, suggesting the water is held in reserve for fires).

The truth is succinctly conveyed by two subsequent clips of ‘The Sweet Homes Tommy Knocker.’ The first is static enough that, if it weren’t for a car moving in the far distance, a viewer might mistake it for a photograph.. Camera footage shows a view from the tower’s platform, Sweet Homes visible ahead and construction equipment visible below (placing the clip around the time of the initial draining). A mad scrabbling suffuses the audio of the clip, a sound like a mouse trying to escape a bucket. The tank is confirmed to be the source of the noise as the camera rotates to face it fully. The clip ends when the noise suddenly ceases and the ‘gong’ sounds, shaking the frame into a blur. The second is only three seconds long- grainy footage from the actual draining process. Water pours from the tower in a monstrous stream while workers look on. The flow sputters as something solid emerges from the spout. Several workers begin to shout before the footage ends.

Humanity’s reaction to ‘The Sweet Homes Tommy Knocker’ can be attributed to an evolved reluctance to pry. For better or worse we’ve learned to simply outlive certain problems. We’ve learned to not follow tommy knockers into their pits and we’ve learned to leave ‘The Sweet Homes Water Tower’ sealed and stagnant, bearing its daily entreaty with the closed-curtain politeness Sweet Homes is a monument to.’

There are several precautions to be taken at ‘The Sweet Homes Water Tower’ and I manage to do most at half-measure. I have my phone camera to record the evening knock. I craft ear plugs by tearing the corners off the rag I sometimes use to wipe down the bike. I tie a crude rope harness that may very well become a noose if the chaotic knot I use to anchor it on the platform happens to hold during a fall. For the first time in all these years, I think to leave a note for my family, letting them know I am not seeking out destruction but have dodged it so often the distinction may well be moot.  

The climb itself isn’t bad and the wait is pleasant enough, a warm autumn day yielding to a cool autumn night. I spend it resting atop the tank itself, more dangerous than the platform but also more hidden from below. When the sun finally sets and the tower begins to click and groan with contraction, I brace myself, rigid for nearly an hour until I give up all at once, my body sore from the effort. I (stupidly) remove my makeshift earplugs and (stupidly) place my head against the tank before (stupidly) knocking, realizing only afterward the parenthetical idiocy of my actions. It comes as some surprise when I am answered not by the deafening chime of the tower, but by a cautious knock from inside, a muffled voice, and something like a deep gurgle. When I try again, the knocking become more frantic and I follow its urgency to the latch at its highest point.

There is a hatch there, operated by a wheel and before I’m able to turn it I see that someone has welded the entrance shut. Someone has burned a message there as well, presumably with the same torch. It says: ‘You’re Welcome.’

Luckily, I’m still gripping the wheel when ‘The Sweet Homes Tommy Knocker’ crashes against the inside of the tower. It flattens me, rattles my teeth, and leaves my ears ringing in a way I’ll likely hear for the rest of my life. It sounds, to me, like an explosion and my panicked animal brain wonders how cars can possibly still be driving along the highway, how a man calmly walks under a streetlight in the distant suburb when my own personal world seemed to be ending just seconds before.

My descent is shakey and slow; each movement is a concession between planting myself firmly and minimizing contact with the tank. I leave the rope harness hanging there when I drive away, realize three miles later that someone like me would arrive at a place like ‘The Sweet Homes Water Tower’ and assume whoever tied the harness would know what they were doing and that they might risk their life in it. ‘The Sweet Homes Tommy Knocker’ chimes again as I struggle with the knot and one last time at the very edge of hearing when I’m miles away, ears still thrumming from the abuse.

Whatever pickles in the water above Sweet Homes deserves the prison it finds itself in.

-traveler

At some point in my traveling I’ve visited enough of Oregon’s rest stops to realize there is always a weathered sedan in a corner of the parking lot and it isn’t until I’ve stumbled across a throwaway sidebar in Shitholes regarding the statewide program that places them that I take the time to look over the accompanying signage. Before I have a chance to read anything, however, a man shouts from behind me:

“Stop right there!” he screams, “Put your hands up! Up where I can see’em!”

My hands are in the air before I realize what I’m doing.

“All right,” the voice says, “Now, turn around slowly.”

I turn and find the parking lot empty.

“Not bad,” the voice says, “You have an 86% chance of surviving an interaction with the Oregon State Police. Press the button on the side if you’d like to try again or hop in the car to begin the Helping Hands experience”

My hands are still shaking as I lower them. This thing is about as stupid as Shitholes suggested.

‘Following a series of routine traffic stops that ended with the fatal shooting of civilians, Oregon moved forward with an initiative to provide free training to those who might find themselves dealing with the Oregon State Police. The simulation, dubbed ‘Helping Hands,’ focuses mainly on the player’s ability to follow orders in quick succession- placing one’s hands on the wheel of the car, waiting for the right moment to roll down the window or to find the insurance papers underneath the passenger seat, and generally maintaining a calm demeanor throughout.

The ‘Helping Hands’ software modules have seemingly been abandoned and several user-noted glitches persist. The first causes the officer (a simulated voice) to escalate an encounter without prompt, resulting in the occasional no-win situation. The second is a not-uncommon camera glitch that fails to accurately capture the movements of a ‘small minority’ of players.

Asked about the future of the ‘Helping Hands’ simulations, the committee in charge has insisted that they will continue to monitor the machines and that they strive to expose the public to ‘the most accurate representation of the Oregon State Police as is feasible with current technology.’

-traveler