‘There are no laws or standards in place to regulate the word ‘best’ as it applies to a business’ service or product. There are independent accolades, of course, some more reputable than others, but the experience of ‘best’ varies so broadly on an individual level that one can hardly expect the prestige of a city’s finest Mexican restaurant to persuade loyalists of a burrito truck that appears on miracle midnights, when burritos are most needed. Nothing in the world can be said to exist in its best form except for ‘The Perfect New York-Style Cheese Pizza,’ which exists in Wisconsin.
David Mesner baked ‘The Perfect New York-Style Cheese Pizza’ in 2004 and was killed in his attempt to ingest ‘The Perfect Slice.’ Investigators believe Mesner’s bite was a necessary, if unintentional, catalyst in ‘The Perfect New York-Style Cheese Pizza’ transitioning to its pinnacle form- a need for it to have been proven edible at least once. Mesner was unconscious when he was admitted to the hospital on January 19th and was quickly found to have suffered severe internal trauma. Several pieces of ‘The Perfect New York-Style Cheese Pizza’ were removed from his digestive tract but the damage proved too great. He died the same night without ever re-gaining consciousness.
Police discovered the bulk of ‘The Perfect New York-Style Cheese Pizza’ in a tray atop Mesner’s oven. ‘The Perfect Slice’ was found on a paper plate in the living room. Both relics remained warm to the touch and exhibited a dull, white glow. Both had also hardened- had, in fact, become indestructible, though this discovery wouldn’t occur for several weeks. The fragments removed from Mesner’s body shared ‘The Pizza’s’ peculiarities. An autopsy suggested that the single bite of pizza Mesner had managed had solidified mid-digestion, causing the fatal damage.
Events escalated. The neighborhood was evacuated for fear of some unknown radiation. Supermarkets issued nationwide recalls of every product Mesner had used in creating ‘The Perfect New York-Style Cheese Pizza.’ ‘The Pizza’ itself was quickly proven benign, however. It issued no radiation but mild heat. It was odorless and without taste (the intrepid intern responsible for ‘taste’ used her experience toward a doctorate in chemical engineering). Its mass remained in line with what one might expect of a mundane pizza, minus a slice. Efforts to dig deeper failed. ‘The Perfect New York-Style Cheese Pizza’ was determined to be completely unchangeable and static down to the cellular level despite its warmth.
‘The Pizza’s’ missing years remain mysterious. De-classified military documents suggest some interest in re-creating the material for defense purposes. Pizzerias opened on bases across the nation, each with its own indulgent budget. Style variations were attempted- the perfect margarita, the perfect Chicago deep-dish. Culinary science advanced but no product reached the ideal state of ‘The Perfect New York-Style Cheese Pizza.’ Like ‘The Floating Rock National Heritage Site,’ ‘The Pizza’ proved phenomenal in a way that was both impractical and underwhelming. It was auctioned to an anonymous buyer in 2016. ‘The Perfect Slice’ and the fragments taken from Mesner’s body have not resurfaced. Rumor suggests their use in anything from medical research to industrial drill bits.
As of this writing, ‘The Perfect New York-Style Cheese Pizza’ is back in Wisconsin, on display as part of an independent exhibit off I-43. It wins no accolades.’
I pay a man fifty dollars for the privilege of firing a gun into the ‘The Perfect New York-Style Cheese Pizza’ from eleven yards away. I only hit it once and only use half the clip because I can tell the noise bothers Hector. The man lets me hold the pizza afterward- still warm, like it’s straight out of the oven.
I ask the man if he gets many visitors and he tells me he doesn’t. I ask if he’s looking to sell and he does. I trade all my money for ‘The Perfect New York-Style Cheese Pizza’ and sleep with it in the foot of my sleeping bag when these autumn nights prove cold.
-traveler
