‘If the burning of the ‘Museum for the Everyday Flammable’ were any more regular, one might call it a seasonal business. Instead, ‘The MEF’ burns once a year, at least, but at unpredictable times and for reasons that are, at best, semi-predictable. Semi-predictable, in this case, recognizes the overall probability of a building devoted to flammable items and substances catching fire (high) but the improbable ways in which the museums exhibits have historically conspired to undermine ‘The MEF’s’ safety protocols.
In 2012, ‘The MEF’s’ collection of heated blankets grew too large and shorted a wire, bypassing (and eventually destroying) an expensive chemical suppression system installed above the exhibit itself. In 2007, a delinquent middle schooler snuck away for a smoke and tripped over the longest functioning extension-cord daisy-chain, dropping his cigarette near the ‘room of newspaper towers’ and guiltily claiming that subsequent alarms were ‘all part of the show.’ In 2018, ‘The MEF’s’ fire extinguisher maintenance service appeared at the same time as a recently acquired collection of faulty fire extinguishers, laying the foundation for the disastrous ‘trick-candle mishap of 2019,’ during which the fire department returned six times over the course of four hours before declaring the building ‘haunted.’ In 2016, ‘The MEF’s’ lax employment practices led them to hire the notorious arsonist Sheila Mozark as an unsupervised night custodian. Mozark was struck and killed by lightning just three weeks later and ‘The MEF’ burned to the ground once again when her hastily-trained replacement used an aerosol cleaning solution in ‘the grand hall of pilot lights.’
As of this writing, ‘The MEF’ is due to re-open in February of 2021, celebrating with a pre-recorded fireworks show and cold sandwiches.’
-an excerpt, Autumn by the Wayside
