‘Though each has its curiosities, none of the nation’s ‘Little Italys’ are so curious as to warrant inclusion in this humble guide. Also absent are the handful of ‘Tiny Italys’ which, while certainly being strange as a concept, are all fairly mundane in practice and safe, overall. The northwest’s ‘Truly Miniscule Italy’ comes close, it being both very strange and mildly dangerous, but what danger does exist faces entirely inward. It’s just so small that a visitor could topple the place with an uncareful brush of their fingers.
The only Italian variant to be featured here is ‘Particulate Italy’ which, at the time of publication, hangs in a cloud outside of Springfield, Missouri and seems to be floating west on a leisurely breeze. ‘Particulate Italy’ is a destination that visits you and it’s worth adding any one of the many websites or apps that track ‘Particulate Italy’ to your rotation of electronic devices for it tends to be an unwelcome guest. Why? Well, that involves a short history.
‘Particulate Italy’ was created in the early 2000s, a product of the ‘everything must be smaller’ trend that prevailed at the time. Vancouver’s ‘Microscopic Italy’ (since lost), had held the record for the world’s smallest ‘Italy’ for nearly a decade by then and, daunted by the undertaking that would be involved in challenging Greenland’s ‘Gargantuan Italy,’ bored American scientists decided to create the smallest ‘Italy’ possible with the technology available at the time, hoping to score a much-needed ‘win’ for the States. After some trial and error, and using methods since classified, these scientists produced a fine dust that, on very, very close inspection, turned out to be ‘Particulate Italy.’ A short time later, these scientists died, their lungs filling with blood.
The absolute lowest bar to qualify for an Italy variant is the inclusion of an identifiable landmark and ‘Particulate Italy’s’ claim is staked on an extrusion that looks a bit like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. This ‘Particulate Pisa’ has led to a great deal of trouble since ‘Particulate Italy’ was released from the lab and the problem is twofold:
When ‘Particulate Italy’ is inhaled, the ‘Particulate Pisa’ has a tendency to hook into the lungs and sort of wobble about with each attempted breath, tearing thousands of little holes in the delicate tissue meant for transferring oxygen to the bloodstream. The secondary issue has to do with the way ‘Particulate Italy’ moves through the air which is, in a word, erratically. ‘Particulate Italy’ floats across the nation like an American football rolls across a field, making sudden, unexpected turns for reasons that cannot always be calculated in time to adjust predictions. Those website and apps that track ‘Particulate Italy’ do their best to pinpoint its location, but their primary purpose is to highlight fairly large zones where ‘Particulate Italy’ mightbe, so that the residents of those areas can be evacuated in time.
It’s recommended that travelers avoid ‘Particulate Italy’ when possible and that proper respiratory gear be donned if a visit proves unavoidable.’
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