The ‘National Childproofing Center’ is halfway through rebranding when Hector and I arrive. It’s difficult to tell exactly what it was they were pretending to be, previous. Murals cover the exterior walls, each depicting a photorealistic monkey riding a skateboard through a generic cartoon environment. Each monkey has a thought bubble and each thought is “RAD!” All of the monkeys are holding ice cream and what might be candy or prescription pills. A banner has torn loose on one side and whips about in the wind. It takes me a moment to read it:
“Tell your parents: all of this is FREE!”
The banner catches on the razor wire fence between the parking lot and the ‘Center’ proper. A siren sounds and lights flash. A stern voice blares over the speaker system: NO NO NO.
It all quiets down again after a few moments- someone must realized it was a false alarm. I heave my pack over my shoulder and hold Hector, wriggling, in the other arm. I approach the fence, show my ID, and am let in, no problem.
‘Legally speaking, yes, ‘The National Childproofing Center’ is required to stand by all of their offers but they must be claimed by children and children rarely make it inside without some sort of legally dubious work on the part of adults. The few ‘success stories’ have all settled out of court- some for quite a bit of money but none for ‘real life hoverboards’ or ‘a super sharp flaming ninja sword’ or even ‘infinite ice cream on demand delivered by a talking dog.’
The fact of the matter is that ‘The National Childproofing Center’ is willing to lose some money if it means maintaining their stellar reputation for authenticating the childproofing standards of corporate clients. Parents can rest easy when they see the ‘NCC Guarantee’ seal on a vacuuming robot or an automatic litterbox, knowing neither will grind up, burn, or otherwise consume their curious toddlers. If the occasional mutant talking dog or two escape and breed in the wild around ‘The National Childproofing Center,’ well, that’s a price we pay as a society for the safety of our children.’
The ‘NCC’ is actually paying people to take the dozen or so monkeys they stocked, but I’m not really ready to be a parent to something quite so mobile and intelligent so I turn down the offer of a thousand bucks and a strange new sibling for Hector and eat some cheap ice cream and fall off a skateboard before I decide it’s probably time to go.
I’m approaching the ‘heir lock,’ a stupid pun for a system that’s designed to keep children from rushing the exit as adult visitors leave, when the straps of my pack pull back hard on my shoulders. I lose my balance and send Hector scurrying from my arms as I desperately try to separate myself from whatever has grown sentient inside. Alarms sound as the pack squirms across the floor and nearby screens, which had previously been showing a sneak preview of some new kids movie, flash over to an x-ray livestream of the scene as it’s playing out. From the looks of it, a small skeleton is attempting to escape from my backpack and it’s only until after it finally pushes the clasp open that I realize it’s just a living child.
“I DID IT!” the child screams as it’s surrounded by ‘NCC’ security, “You have to give me my monkey now! You have to give me my monkey!”
A previously inconspicuous woman runs to join the kid and shouts much the same thing as I quietly gather my empty pack and herd Hector back into my arms. I’m scooching backward, trying to decide whether I’m actually liable for anything that’s just happened, when I run into a man standing behind me. He drops a garbage sack on the floor. It’s my stuff- the stuff that was supposed to be where the child was.
I recognize the man and I recognize the woman as well when I give her a harder look,. They talked to me at the diner this morning- friendly, I assumed, but likely just distracting me while their kid climbed into my backpack.
The man puts a hand on my shoulder. He isn’t even looking at me- he’s drinking the chaos in with a growing smile.
“You’ll understand,” he says, “When you have a kid of your own.”
-traveler
