‘A small, sad place, ‘The Digital Pet Cemetery’ is not at all like the Stephen King novel. Well, it is the legacy of a recovered addict. And its location is something of a secret. And there are rumors that, when a human soul is somehow interred in the servers, they return as an insane digital spirit- a monkey’s paw torment for their grieving families.
But beyond those things, it isn’t like the novel at all.’
‘The Digital Pet Cemetery’ has been overhauled since my edition of the guide was published, now advertising itself as ‘The Insane Digital Spirit Adoption Shelter’ on several traditional billboards and as ‘HELPMEOGODTHYREKEEPIGUSLOC’ on a digital banner a few miles out.
“They do that sometimes,” the man at the counter says when I ask about the message, “These crazy digital spirits, you know. They get just about everywhere.”
The cash register opens of its own accord, pushing into the man’s gut. When he closes it, sparks fly from the nearby thermostat and the mildewy smell of disused air conditioning sweeps between us. The man shrugs.
“When did you, uh, rebrand?” I ask.
“Oh, the cemetery thing? Well, a cemetery’s got, like, one or two ghosts max. Otherwise it’s a pretty quiet place. What we have here is more of an infestation.” He scratches his nose. “How many do you want?”
“Insane spirits?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t want any crazy spirits.”
“Oh, well you likely picked up a few already. Wi-fi. Bluetooth. We can perform an exorcism if you like.”
The internet suggested this was ‘The IDSAS’s’ main revenue source- inflicting these insane digital spirits and then offering on-the-spot solutions.
“I’m on airplane mode,” I tell him. “Across the board. Just a tour, if you’re still offering.”
The man grumbles and rings me up. The tour is short and disappointing- an overheated server screaming in an airless room. If anybody thinks trying to raise their loved one here is a good idea, they deserve the haunting.
That said, I notice one of the parking meters going haywire in the parking lot on my way out- ejecting coins and swearing in dim gray. I have the man at the counter corral it into an old digital keychain pet and pay a $50 adoption fee. It shifts about on the little screen, a ghastly avatar in lines, waving its arms and demanding food.
I don’t like the idea of keeping this thing against its will, but according to the Guide, I’ll need a ghost to get me through to the onion pages.
And coercion is an age-old American tradition.
-traveler
