‘‘The World’s Largest Revolving Door’ spins at the Monster Mart outside Columbus, Ohio. This specimen is a relic from way back when Monster Mart made a point to have the largest something-or-other in each store as a publicity thing and this location seems to have survived the bankruptcy of the brand and the nationwide closure of stores.
‘The Door’ itself has been turning steadily since the mid-nineties when malls and superstores still seemed timeless. It was closed for a while in 2002 so that the rotation could be automated, this in response to an incident in which striking employees staged a weeks-long sit-in on the entrance side of the door, inadvertently trapping customers on the exiting-side of the door, many of whom succumbed to starvation. The literal dead weight of these unfortunate shoppers then caused a similar incident for the striking employees, who had intended to give up the protest when supplies ran low but were stuck long enough to resort to light cannibalism instead.
Luckily for modern shoppers, the slow rotation of the electrified ‘Door’ is strong enough to shuffle even the largest pile of human remains in a rough, linoleum half-circle until non-unionized employees on either side can extract them before the tragic wedge closes itself off to the world for the next 14 days.
Yes, that’s right. Two weeks is about how long it takes for the door to make a half-rotation. Pack well, traveler, and be prepared to pay out your nose for supplies inside. Monster Mart knows it has a captive audience.’
Look, I see the door and that’s enough. No way I’m spending a month of my life inside it to check it off the list and my research suggests that there’s nothing special about the Monster Mart itself except for their steep mark-ups and a tendency to engage in something like indentured servitude.
A couple is gearing up for the long haul as I’m turning to go, each laden with heavy packs and some of the small, flat trolleys I saw advertised online (allowing a person to sleep while being slowly pushed forward by the rotation. They see me watching so I wave and wish them luck and about that time a new wedge breaches from the exiting side and a similar-looking couple stumbles forward, all pale and skeletal from underpacking.
Maybe it’s the angle of the closing wedge but the male half of the healthy couple sees these two collapse on the pavement and he recoils. The woman he’s with has enough time to make a confused sound before she’s pushed into the door, leaving him outside. The next wedge is fast closing and he looks at it and looks at me and says:
“I should probably go in after her, right?” and then he looks at the prone couple, shielding their eyes from the harsh light of the sun, and he stays put.
-traveler
