A very particular type of candy arrived on the shelves of the local convenience store in the late nineties- a thick, sour sludge that could be purchased in mock test tubes and featured a gummy worm at the center. I was young, then, and the candy’s debut coincided with the release of a video game in which the protagonist chugs vials of green liquid to replenish his health. Though it’s hard to believe now, in an era of snack/game collaborations, I don’t believe the coincidence was planned. I think it was sheer luck that the two companies inspired the manic consumption of their products in a single mid-western child- a pleasant blip of demand that neither would ever fully understand.

The game has faded into obscurity but the candy has disappeared entirely. There are no pictures on the internet, no archived advertisements or retro-reviews. Nobody I speak to remembers it or, if they do, they remember it only vaguely and only in conjunction with myself as though the candy only existed in relation to me and my life. The candy was, seemingly, a failure. I have no doubt that my memory of the substance must be wildly out of sync with reality, colored as it is by time.

But I crave it.

I don’t think of it often, but when I do, there’s nothing I want more.

‘The universe resists perpetuality of any sort, skimming just enough energy off the top to maintain entropy. A wire will heat up and glow. A shaft will wear against the pump. A carefully-organized series of molecules will burst into atoms and re-form into something useless. Or dangerous.

In the process of stealing our energy, though, the universe is happy to leave us with the ‘detritus,’ be it the ashes of a fire, the congealed lubricant of the machine, or, in regards to the great American cycle of consumption, the items that sift through the filter of second-hand retail and into ‘The Nostalgia Vault.’ There, you will find what deserves forgetting.’

If the contents of a landfill were to be transported into a discontinued stretch of sewer and maintained such that a walkable path existed there, it would look exactly like ‘The Nostalgia Vault.’ Its entrance can be found in Southern California but the ‘Vault’ feels very much like a realm of its own. Having paid a small entry fee I was more or less given free reign to explore, the only rule being that items cannot be removed from what is optimistically called ‘the collection.’ Rearranging is fair play so, not unlike the French catacombs, several rooms in ‘The Nostalgia Vault’ now house morbid displays.

Several yards back, for instance, was a claustrophobic space filled entirely with common pieces of popular collectible card games- your basic lands, energies, and failed sports stars. Someone has created an intricate tiling pattern there and, even more impressive, glued thick stacks of the cards into two chairs and a table. Atop the table is a checker board, populated by pogs. Another room consists entirely of off-brand beanie babies, organized by color and staring straight ahead, their beady eyes reflecting rodent-like in the beam of my flashlight.

There are miles of garbage for every carefully curated room, however, and I find my patience with the experience shorter than I initially expected as someone who traditionally enjoys poking about pawn shops and thrift stores. ‘The Nostalgia Vault’ is honest in advertising itself as a collection of the millennium’s c-list items and even if I were to stumble upon a one-man’s-trash situation, nothing here is for sale. There is no point and, as if often the case, I wonder if that’s ‘The Nostalgia Vault’s’ intention after all.

Imagine, then, the sickening delight I feel upon entering a room full of old, garbage candy and spying, in the corner, a vial of green cornstarch. I hesitate before opening it, both because I see that the gummy worm is well on its way to dissolving inside and because I will be violating the sanctity of the place, lessening it for the next visitor who may fondly remember the same disgusting candy. The hesitation passes quickly, though.

This isn’t a museum.

This isn’t a goddamn national park.

I crack the seal on the vial and hold it to my mouth, savoring the smell in the time it takes for the thick candy to reach me.

When it does, I feel better than I have for a long, long time.

-traveler

‘The life cycle of an urban legend is not so different than that of a star. Its birth is something complex enough to be described as chaos and, though we don’t currently have the wherewithal to suss the places where seemingly nothing might become obviously something, it’s easy enough to understand why both occurred after the fact. A star, like an urban legend, will be a light in humanity’s subconscious for a time and when it dies it won’t really die. An urban legend, like a star, will go dark; the branches of the story collapsing into the dense mass of something complete and unquestionable. Take ‘Resurrection Mary’ who, in her prime, was not confined to Chicago but hitchhiked all over the country. Take ‘Bigfoot,’ who has been seen in many climates and many coats. We remember their variation, but they have widely retired to familiar forms and new reports of either are inevitably dismissed as having been inspired by the core (for even dead stars whisper).

‘The Tommy Knocker of Sweet Homes’ is recent proof that urban legends evolve to their environment but are born the same regardless. A tommy knocker is traditionally a type of ghost confined to old mines and identified by the sound of their tools ‘knocking’ on cavern walls (what skeptics suggest is simply the echo of dripping water). When seventies mining technology became too noisy, tommy knockers mostly retired to suburbs to occasionally clatter about in pipes and radiators and eventually faded into relative obscurity.

The thing inside ‘The Sweet Homes Water Tower’ was not made privy to this change.

Sweet Homes, Ohio is technically a suburb- a gated community lacking any form of governance outside of a militaristic homeowner’s association and a paranoid neighborhood watch. ‘The Sweet Homes Water Tower’ is technically the oldest structure there, pre-dating the first house by four months or so- a timetable that isn’t exactly conducive to a traditional haunting but with which ‘The Tommy Knocker’ seems to make do for, starting just one year into the development’s occupation, ‘The Sweet Homes Water Tower’ began to ring.

The phenomenon can be traced back to July 2014 when Benjamin ‘Benny’ Smythe reported ‘a sound like a gong’ to the neighborhood watch. The noise, which Benny described as ‘something new-agey,’ would wake him up at ‘an ungodly hour’ and therefore was likely to be ‘ungodly.’ By the time Benny was able to record the ringing, others began to speak up and the sound began to occur sporadically, day and night. Due to the ringing’s unlikely origin, it wasn’t until three plucky teens were physically shaken off the tower one crisp autumn morning that the source was revealed. The sole survivor of the incident became the unlikely catalyst for a new legend, claiming to have heard something crawling inside tank before the fatal toll.

‘The Sweet Homes Water Tower’ was drained, inspected, and re-filled, but the ‘Tommy Knocker’ remained- no subsequent attempt has been rid of it. A second tower was eventually built, directly opposite the first and they stand on the edge of town like feuding roommates. ‘The Sweet Homes Tommy Knocker’ still chimes at least twice a day, at sunrise and sunset, prompting most to write the haunting off as temperature fluctuations in the metal. This theory fails to explain why the second tower is silent and why the first remains filled with water. It fails to explain why the first tower is allowed to remain standing at all (the HOA deflects questions like these, suggesting the water is held in reserve for fires).

The truth is succinctly conveyed by two subsequent clips of ‘The Sweet Homes Tommy Knocker.’ The first is static enough that, if it weren’t for a car moving in the far distance, a viewer might mistake it for a photograph.. Camera footage shows a view from the tower’s platform, Sweet Homes visible ahead and construction equipment visible below (placing the clip around the time of the initial draining). A mad scrabbling suffuses the audio of the clip, a sound like a mouse trying to escape a bucket. The tank is confirmed to be the source of the noise as the camera rotates to face it fully. The clip ends when the noise suddenly ceases and the ‘gong’ sounds, shaking the frame into a blur. The second is only three seconds long- grainy footage from the actual draining process. Water pours from the tower in a monstrous stream while workers look on. The flow sputters as something solid emerges from the spout. Several workers begin to shout before the footage ends.

Humanity’s reaction to ‘The Sweet Homes Tommy Knocker’ can be attributed to an evolved reluctance to pry. For better or worse we’ve learned to simply outlive certain problems. We’ve learned to not follow tommy knockers into their pits and we’ve learned to leave ‘The Sweet Homes Water Tower’ sealed and stagnant, bearing its daily entreaty with the closed-curtain politeness Sweet Homes is a monument to.’

There are several precautions to be taken at ‘The Sweet Homes Water Tower’ and I manage to do most at half-measure. I have my phone camera to record the evening knock. I craft ear plugs by tearing the corners off the rag I sometimes use to wipe down the bike. I tie a crude rope harness that may very well become a noose if the chaotic knot I use to anchor it on the platform happens to hold during a fall. For the first time in all these years, I think to leave a note for my family, letting them know I am not seeking out destruction but have dodged it so often the distinction may well be moot.  

The climb itself isn’t bad and the wait is pleasant enough, a warm autumn day yielding to a cool autumn night. I spend it resting atop the tank itself, more dangerous than the platform but also more hidden from below. When the sun finally sets and the tower begins to click and groan with contraction, I brace myself, rigid for nearly an hour until I give up all at once, my body sore from the effort. I (stupidly) remove my makeshift earplugs and (stupidly) place my head against the tank before (stupidly) knocking, realizing only afterward the parenthetical idiocy of my actions. It comes as some surprise when I am answered not by the deafening chime of the tower, but by a cautious knock from inside, a muffled voice, and something like a deep gurgle. When I try again, the knocking become more frantic and I follow its urgency to the latch at its highest point.

There is a hatch there, operated by a wheel and before I’m able to turn it I see that someone has welded the entrance shut. Someone has burned a message there as well, presumably with the same torch. It says: ‘You’re Welcome.’

Luckily, I’m still gripping the wheel when ‘The Sweet Homes Tommy Knocker’ crashes against the inside of the tower. It flattens me, rattles my teeth, and leaves my ears ringing in a way I’ll likely hear for the rest of my life. It sounds, to me, like an explosion and my panicked animal brain wonders how cars can possibly still be driving along the highway, how a man calmly walks under a streetlight in the distant suburb when my own personal world seemed to be ending just seconds before.

My descent is shakey and slow; each movement is a concession between planting myself firmly and minimizing contact with the tank. I leave the rope harness hanging there when I drive away, realize three miles later that someone like me would arrive at a place like ‘The Sweet Homes Water Tower’ and assume whoever tied the harness would know what they were doing and that they might risk their life in it. ‘The Sweet Homes Tommy Knocker’ chimes again as I struggle with the knot and one last time at the very edge of hearing when I’m miles away, ears still thrumming from the abuse.

Whatever pickles in the water above Sweet Homes deserves the prison it finds itself in.

-traveler

At some point in my traveling I’ve visited enough of Oregon’s rest stops to realize there is always a weathered sedan in a corner of the parking lot and it isn’t until I’ve stumbled across a throwaway sidebar in Shitholes regarding the statewide program that places them that I take the time to look over the accompanying signage. Before I have a chance to read anything, however, a man shouts from behind me:

“Stop right there!” he screams, “Put your hands up! Up where I can see’em!”

My hands are in the air before I realize what I’m doing.

“All right,” the voice says, “Now, turn around slowly.”

I turn and find the parking lot empty.

“Not bad,” the voice says, “You have an 86% chance of surviving an interaction with the Oregon State Police. Press the button on the side if you’d like to try again or hop in the car to begin the Helping Hands experience”

My hands are still shaking as I lower them. This thing is about as stupid as Shitholes suggested.

‘Following a series of routine traffic stops that ended with the fatal shooting of civilians, Oregon moved forward with an initiative to provide free training to those who might find themselves dealing with the Oregon State Police. The simulation, dubbed ‘Helping Hands,’ focuses mainly on the player’s ability to follow orders in quick succession- placing one’s hands on the wheel of the car, waiting for the right moment to roll down the window or to find the insurance papers underneath the passenger seat, and generally maintaining a calm demeanor throughout.

The ‘Helping Hands’ software modules have seemingly been abandoned and several user-noted glitches persist. The first causes the officer (a simulated voice) to escalate an encounter without prompt, resulting in the occasional no-win situation. The second is a not-uncommon camera glitch that fails to accurately capture the movements of a ‘small minority’ of players.

Asked about the future of the ‘Helping Hands’ simulations, the committee in charge has insisted that they will continue to monitor the machines and that they strive to expose the public to ‘the most accurate representation of the Oregon State Police as is feasible with current technology.’

-traveler

‘Like over-sized, socialist mailboxes, neighborhood ‘libraries’ have appeared along small-town American streets for decades, each with a sign that patronizingly details the honor system with which they lend out surplus paperbacks. Recognizing some potential in the idea, the town of Blocksberg dedicated a portion of taxpayer money to the construction of, what might only be called, a large-scale, free-standing library. It towers over the local park, a building in its own right, and is capable of housing thousands of books in carefully organized sections. City employees are paid to maintain the ‘library’ and to facilitate the lending policy at the scale to which it has grown. Asked about ‘The Blocksberg Public Library,’ residents become cagey, insisting, with cult-like zeal, that there is nothing strange at all about it.’

“What?” the librarian says, “No. No, that’s stupid. Why would anybody think that’s the order of how things happened?”

-traveler

The sidewalks of Bennet, West Virginia are invisible under a layer of carpeting. Much of it is the coarse, durable stuff one finds in the hallways of corporate offices but I note that manholes sport the sort of outrageous shag reserved for toilet seat covers. An attempt at irony? Given the state of Bennet, it’s hard to know what is a conscious choice and what is a symptom of the disease.

I stop for a while to help a man tear the carpet from his driveway. We haul it into the backyard and toss it into a fire burning there. Smoke, greasy and black, rises from the pile and seems to hasten nightfall.

“It’s a real pain,” he tells me, “The new stuff’s all fire retardant.”

 ‘39^th Street in Bennet, West Virginia is theorized to be the origin of ‘The Great American Living Room.’ Formerly a neighborhood devoted to off-site college housing, a particularly friendly cohort of students extended their couch-on-the-porch lifestyle into a cozy, cross-street ecosystem of pillows, floor lamps, and shelves of donated books one spring, hosting LAN parties in yards and projecting sitcom re-runs on an off-white garage door. Much of the set-up eventually drew back within property lines but, by then, the damage had been done. Just as cigarette smoke and violence tend to linger in a place, the archetypal living room imprinted on the street and became the catalyst for the current nation-wide epidemic.

Swollen, ragged couches are estimated to exist on the streets of at least 17% of American neighborhoods; that number jumps to 25% if porch couches are included. Lamps and coffee tables are rarer, though not at all uncommon. The CDC has requested that rental leases include clauses regarding the removal of outdoor furniture but this has only slowed the spread of ‘The Great American Living Room,’ its epicenter theorized to be the small, southern town.

Bennet, meanwhile, has transformed beyond saving and a strict furniture quarantine has been implemented there while experts study the area. To tour Bennet is no different than patronizing the tasteless ‘freakshows’ of yore- it amounts to gawking at disease.’

Shitholes says a good deal about the physical changes of Bennet but skims over the psychological impact of the place. The man who burns the carpet in his backyard does so with a vengeful sort of glee. When he speaks, he speaks as though ‘The Great American Living Room’ spreads with intelligent purpose. He believes it’s alive. He warns against buying lawn chairs, says he won’t even keep houseplants or pets.

“We don’t know what set it off,” he says, “But now we gotta keep the outside out and the inside in.”

Several blocks down, I find the families that are more commonly represented in articles and documentaries about Bennet- those that choose to live in ‘The Great American Living Room.’ All of the houses past a certain point have thrown their doors open or removed them entirely. Window frames are empty and furniture spills from the porch. Entertainment systems trail cords into the yard, lending an umbilical eeriness to the people with their feet up on sofa, faces glowing with starlight and the evening news.

When I try to speak to them they chase me away, screaming as though I were an intruder in their home which hurts, a little, because it’s the first time in three and a half years that I’ve been in anything like a living room. The man from before sees my downtrodden retreat and offers me a night on his sofa, a kindness that immediately brings tears to my eyes. We’re careful to leave our shoes on the porch.

“Just in case,” he says.

-traveler

‘Deep in Redwood National Park there is a trapdoor. It is wooden (and red) but not made of the redwoods (as one might suspect). Anyone who has visited an old-growth forest will tell you that the trees, there, cast shadows on the ground like hastily discarded clothes and are so haphazardly crisscrossed that the earth is practically piled in darkness, even in the daylight. In this instance, the shadows make it difficult to find ‘The Red, Wood Trapdoor.’ More difficult than one might suspect. One might suspect that the trees try to hide it.

No, GPS doesn’t work; the signal gets lost in the canopy. Radio fairs better, assuming it doesn’t have to pass through the foliage to get to where it’s going. Signs are roundly gobbled up. When they’re not, they eventually become vandalized by something that suggests it might be the trees, that seems to want a wider audience to believe the forest has learned to purchase and utilize spray paint. One commonly finds the word ‘WEED’ stenciled across the signage in the deep woods. Environmental activists or immortal middle schooler? Difficult to say.

The only reliable way of finding ‘The Red, Wood Trapdoor’ is by following a printed map, which rankles the trees. Having no conception of printers or even, really, of the written word, they’re upset to see one of their own give up the secret so easily. Younger forests understand technology in way that the redwoods likely never will.

‘The Red, Wood Trapdoor’ is known to the government. The Park Rangers have installed a deep, cement well around it and a thick, metal gate over the top. The bars are close and crisscrossed like the shadows, leaving only enough room to carve one’s initials. So many people have left their mark that the door is thinning and one must pack longer knives each year to cut even a few splinters away.

A fellow named Owen Pearl has been given special permission to study ‘The Red, Wood Trapdoor’ following years of careful observation between the bars. He carries ‘A Red, Rusted Key’ on his belt. Sometimes he opens the gate and he kneels there, on the ground, with his hands on ‘The Red, Iron Ring’ and he raises the trapdoor up an inch or so and when it sticks he kneels further to dig his nails into the exposed rim. Pearl is a thin man and the vein of his arms swell to intricate gilding as he pulls. Pearl struggles, until he doesn’t. He invariably lowers the trapdoor again, the anticipation- the fear of anticlimax- too much.

‘It itches like a scab,’ he says in an interview with the local paper, ‘Can’t heal if you keep picking at it.’

-excerpt, Autumn by the Wayside

‘‘The Rocky Mountain Hotspot’ is among the dwindling sites that remain unrecognized by state and federal governments and, therefore, remains unmarked and difficult to find. This non-acknowledgement contributes to its quirk, which is that it’s only feasible to pinpoint ‘The Hotspot’s’ exact dimensions with sensitive infrared equipment or to arrive after a storm when it stands out in the snow. The deep volcanic warmth at the center of this mountainous field keeps it warm and relatively dry during mid-winter blizzards and veils the area in a charming mist that freezes on beards and eyelashes as soon as a visitor leaves its borders. The effect is difficult to recreate digitally and so it has become a destination for the hardier brand of travel-flavored social media influencers in Colorado’s kinder months (October and November, specifically).

Few spend the night directly over ‘The Rocky Mountain Hotspot,’ though it would be, by all accounts, a novel experience. Those who have tried claim the mist becomes claustrophobic in the dark, that it fills up tents and makes the air too thick for human lungs. Others cite the unbearable warmth of the earth below or say that the grass seems to squirm silently under the fabric of their sleeping bags. Still others recount the sighting of beasts that come in from the cold to sleep nearby- things that eye them with wide pupils, things that could kill them if provoked.

Whatever the story, ‘The Rocky Mountain Hotspot’ exudes an otherworldly sense of taboo with a dark horizon. Though there have been no reports of fatalities in the fields as of this entry, nobody will be particularly surprised at the first.’

I experience a suitable amount of regret when the last embers of sunset extinguish, though there is little choice left but to remain. The long, cold drive has exaggerated ‘The Hotspot’s’ ambient temperature and, when the wind scours the field, I realize how damp my clothes have become and how dangerous it will be to suffer the night. The storm arrived just after I did. It would be impossible to navigate the bike back down.

Another hour passes before I submit fully, laying directly on the earth to expose as much of myself to the warmth there as is humanly possible. Even now I rotate at ten minutes intervals or whenever my upward extremities start to numb. The mist is dizzying even in dim light but when I switch it off something shifts in the dark, breaking sticks and huffing like a tired mule. I close my eyes and roll circles around my electric lantern on its lowest setting, counting the seconds till morning.

-traveler

Just past the border of West Virginia, I stop at a booth in the parking lot of a department store and enjoy the best cup of coffee I have ever had. It’s barely six in the morning and the horizon is growing red with eventual daybreak. An intermittent wind cuts with autumnal edge and pushes dried leaves over the pavement. They rattle quietly under the park bench where I sit.

It’s going to be a long day- a longer day than I’ve allowed myself in a while. A storm hovers in the far west of the country and shakes its fist at the center. I’d like to make it to Colorado before the interstates close. If I don’t, I’ll waste money on liminal motel stays. If I do, I may be struck by the storm before finding a vacancy. If I wait too long, the storm will pass and ‘The Rocky Mountain Hot Spot’ will be just another patch of ground.

But it’s difficult to leave the park bench, to imagine life without another cup of coffee from the booth. Moments like these don’t last long. The store will open. The parking lot will fill with cars. The sun will rise and expose the chewed gum and trash among the leaves. The coffee will get cold. The sitting will become a concern. Fifteen minutes is long enough to enjoy a cup of coffee in a parking lot. Two cups of coffee is enough for any sober traveler. Any more and the man in the booth will start to wonder. Any more and the man will start to worry.

Much is made of the bird and the cage as metaphor. I would be happy to say that I am the untamed bird- I’ve probably suggested the same to attractive men in run-down hostels before. In reality, I’m more of a splinter, worked from the skin by the slow processes of the body. As a traveler, no place can bear me long.

I order another coffee, my last before the ride. I can spare another 15 minutes. The man’s tag reads ‘Smitty,’ a clarification to the booth’s glowing signage which, due to malfunction or age, reads ‘S itty Coffee.’ Smitty has capitalized on the ambiguity of the missing letter and has become famous for grossly exaggerated negative reviews of his booth. His is rated the worst coffee on any of the numerous mainstream travel sites. He sells mugs that read ‘I drank S*itty Coffee.’ He responds angrily to five star reviews, to anyone that doesn’t take up the joke. It’s unknown whether the online persona is a clever act or the ramblings of a man who hardly knows how to use the internet. Negativity has become his brand.

The man’s not spoken a word to me, but the silence is comfortable. He hands me my cup and steps out the back to smoke. I return to the bench but find the contentment has passed. The horizon swells with red infection and the bike’s engine clicks irritably. Time to go.

‘Of the world’s myriad poisons, none are so potent as the rancid coffee served at ‘Smitty Coffee.’ It stains a clean mug in a single use. It browns teeth. It is considered a cancer-causing agent in the state of California and may be the source of several other ailments in several other states. Purchasing the stuff as a solvent only pads the pocket of a madman. Travelers are suggested to avoid the booth at all costs.’

-traveler

‘What the temporary art scene lacks in brand recognition, it makes up for with an atmosphere that encourages flagrant experimentation, skirting the edge of style so closely that it often falls from it. Permanence taboos allow for the culling of anything too offensive but maintain a healthy system of memetic trends, ensuring artist output is predictable enough to hold the attention of outsiders and outrageous enough to be considered transgressive by those hoping to buy into the label. Breaching the taboos leads to the overabundance of health one might find in a horse’s unkempt hooves or a hamster’s unworn teeth- the familiar spirals into something monstrous, the monstrous kills the familiar.

‘The Unwashed Hopscotch’ on the streets of Belgard, New Mexico is the monster that consumes it. Spawned from the annual ‘Belgard Hopscotch Festival’ in 2016 (which has previously run without incident) the small town has seen so little rain in three years that a whimsical, chalk-based obstacle course that once stretched the length of a block now curls for miles in every direction. ‘The Unwashed Hopscotch’ has been in place long enough that the early stages have begun to wear into the pavement. Potholes are common and considered the only legal move by those who hope to complete one of the myriad branches of the labyrinthine hopscotch system that has grown in the absence of cleansing precipitation. Traps (as crude as broken glass and as clever as hinged boards) are discouraged, but present along the routes. Obstacles that require participants to maneuver into cafes, along busy streets, and across narrow alley ways while avoiding local authorities are considered fair game.  

‘The Unwashed Hopscotch’ remained in Belgard for a year as a sort-of auxiliary destination aside the previously existing art scene before it began to draw the crowds that drew it, in turn. 2017 marked the first instance of active preservation: a group of visiting artists that had already made several attempts on the infamous ‘Birch Street Pass’ (where ‘The Unwashed Hopscotch’ descends into a narrow drainage trench) learned of a thunderhead forming in the south. They laid down tarps to protect the core and the ‘Pass’ so they could finish what they began, inadvertently violating the spirit of the festival and setting the precedent that later teams would maintain the paths they attempted (like strange, urban mountaineers).

Two years have passed and ‘The Unwashed Hopscotch’ continues to disrupt day-to-day business in Belgard, filling the streets with inattentive pedestrians and sucking life from the infrastructure that sustains it. Belgard artists, who sell hopscotch-related merchandise almost exclusively, have formed a militia that simultaneously highlights the piece’s fragility and protects it with force that borders upon illegality. The roads of inner-Belgard have degraded beyond any ability to sustain traffic and the Bell Guard patrols the outskirts in shifts. The town has fallen to ‘The Unwashed Hopscotch.’

We wonder what draws humanity to monsters, why cultists flock to grim deities and why soldiers march for despots.

Monsters pay well.’

I initially underestimate Shitholes in its description of the Bell Guard Militia and attempt to enter the town, on foot, without a permit. I am escorted out- not quickly, as one might expect, but via  a route made circuitous by the protected winding of ‘The Unwashed Hopscotch.’ It turns out that my initial entry point was within a ‘sanctuary zone’ where some of the chalk lines have been eroded by wind from the desert. Only the Bell Guard and highly competitive hopscotchers are allowed there.

I’m taken to a gift shop where I pay a fine ($50) in order to pay for a day pass ($25). The permit comes with a piece of chalk and the expectation that I’ll be adding to the mess of Belgard (say what you will of the militia’s draconic preservation policies, they only add or improve routes during festival dates). My bag is searched and I’m forced to check anything that could potentially hold liquids into a locker. I’m verbally reminded of the serious consequences that would follow public urination. Several of the Guard escort me to Main Street, hopping service routes along the way but allowing me to simply step over the lines as an approved visitor.

The square at the center of town is darkened by a haphazard shelter that protects ‘The Unwashed Hopscotch’ core. Though more members of the militia watch over the area, I’m left to explore a three block radius of the town relatively unsupervised, its redundancies being enough to consider it non-fragile.

I didn’t enter Belgard with the intention of disturbing ‘The Unwashed Hopscotch’ but I find myself shuffling my feet through some of the lines all the same. I stop in part because some speculate the art piece is actually a complex sigil of protection- think a circle of salt on a massive scale. Mostly, though, my chafing at authority is dwarfed by my fear of it.

More embarrassing, perhaps, is that I try a few routes when I think I’m alone. My body has healed from the wounds of my early travel. I think I’m a healthier person, now, than I was when we began. I do well, well enough for an amateur anyway. I even manage a route that requires kicking off a wall and hopping up a short flight of stairs. At the end, someone has drawn the sunset in chalk with the word ‘Congratulations’ floating in the clouds and it occurs to me that this is the first thing I’ve finished in a long, long time.

-traveler

‘There is an illusion of chaos about the world and, though this writer’s experiences are isolated to a relatively thin realm, he can say for certain that very little of what happens on the ‘Wayside’ should be taken at face value, particularly in regards to patterned behavior. Having realized this independently, a woman known only by her internet handle, Rozzalind_420, managed to discover something new and, like most non-male innovators, she has been made to regret it. In publishing her discovery, the author hopes to take on a modicum of that suffering (though no man ever saved a witch by jumping on the pyre).

Rozzalind’s unspecified work involved relatively constant travel and, initially in jest, she created a blog in which she eloquently reviewed highway rest stops and rated them based on location, cleanliness, and ‘overall ambience.’ Rozzalind became a minor internet celebrity when a particularly damning review of a stop outside El Paso went viral, resulting in an investigation by the CDC and a state-issued apology.

The attention initially seemed to have almost no effect on the blog itself, which continued to churn out weekly or bi-weekly reviews. Critics suggested much of the writing was likely faked as Rozzalind seemed able to cover vast distances in relatively little time and would not describe what sort of job would have her so consistently on the road. She eventually admitted that posts were published out of order to avoid being easily followed and to keep the site active even when she was ‘working from the office.’ When these reasonable explanations failed to silence her ‘fans,’ Rozzalind disabled comments on the posts and went about business as usual.

Cut off from the world, Rozzalind’s sanity seemed to quickly decline. Her old rating system was supplemented by an increasingly complex ‘checklist’ of features that, to most, seemed relatively neutral in the grander scheme of things. At times, this checklist included things like ‘creaking door on stalls,’ ‘floor drain situated as to be viewable from toilet,’ ‘toilet paper installed to unravel in clockwise fashion (facing visitor),’ and ‘handprint on mirror.’ More to the point, the checklist was the first indication of ‘The Persistent Knocker.’

Rozzalind first noted ‘The Persistent Knocker’ in a series of posts on Mid-west toilets, describing the phenomenon of a person that enters a restroom and attempts to open a stall (normal behavior) and, finding it locked, tries at least once more (unnatural behavior, according to Rozzalind). She later began associating ‘The Knocker’ with, what many would assume, were phone numbers scrawled across (or carved into) the stalls but which she correctly deduced was a sort of cant left by ‘The Persistent Knocker’ that arrived when the stall was unoccupied.

Her audience having mostly jumped-ship, the public discovery of ‘Rozzalind Rooms’ would have remained muted if not for a sudden, panicked outcry by lurking members of several Rozzalind-adjacent forums and chatrooms hoping to find a quick means by which to contact her. Those who thought to re-visit the blog to see what all the fuss was about found the last post Rozzalind would ever publish: a short video of a masked woman (thought by most to be Rozzalind herself), slamming her body over and over into a locked stall until the door gives way, revealing a second door and, beyond that, a hidden bathroom.

‘Rozzalind Rooms’ are estimated to exist in at least 20% of American rest stops, always behind seemingly-locked stalls (built with an angled latch that slides up the door with each successive push and falls back into place under no pressure). Their historic exclusivity meant that they remained cleaner and quieter than traditional toilets, though accessing them bred the rest stop pest Rozzalind once dubbed ‘The Persistent Knocker.’ Rozzalind’s last post put a quick end to the secrecy and inspired a new generation of meddling vloggers, upsetting an ecosystem that had remained balanced for decades. Those clued in to ‘Rozzalind Rooms’ previous to the blog resent both the name and the loss of their roadside sanctuaries and Rozzalind, once well-respected for her work toward rest stop transparency, is now widely condemned for it.

The true condemnation belongs to the architect of this predator/prey duality who has instilled, in the traveler, a craving for privacy and an excuse to take it from others. Ghosts are harder to catch than witches, however, and they don’t burn nearly as bright.‘

-excerpt, Autumn by the Wayside